What Now?

“When it comes to privacy and accountability, people always demand the former for themselves and the latter for everyone else.” – David Brin

The last couple of years have been a personal and professional challenge for me. I went from being a well-loved, successful, thriving teacher to being an insecure, unmotivated recluse. I fell into a state of depression and sought therapy from a psychology to help me deal with both the depression and the resulting anxiety.

Since making the decision to take some time out of the classroom, I’d struggled to figure out what my “calling” in life truly was. It was hard to imagine that, after spending 7 years in college and earning a bachelor’s and master’s degree in education, I may have listened to my heart just a bit too much. So after nearly 8 years as a special education and reading teacher, I found myself totally lost when I finally took my little “break.”

“What now?” I kept asking myself. No matter how I posed this question to myself, the answer was always the same. “I’m a teacher. I teach. If I’m not teaching, then there’s nothing left for me to do.” Now before you start furiously pounding those keys in response to my above exasperation, let me just point out that I’m using past tense up there. You see, over the last year and a half, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and realized that even if I’m not pursuing the career I initially intended (or any career, for that matter), it doesn’t mean that I’m “lost” or that I’ve let myself down. In fact, I’m starting to realize that my inability to tolerate a broken school system isn’t MY inability at all, but rather is the normal reaction of a person who is passionate and driven to succeed, all the while having roadblocks thrown into her path of success…which led me right back to the question of “what now?”

I don’t quite know the answer, but I’m starting to figure it out.

First and foremost, I have to accept a certain level of accountability. While it’s easy to “play the victim” (and goodness, I’ve been playing that part for awhile now), the victim rarely turns out victorious in the end. I kept blaming a dysfunctional school system for my failures, for my depression, for my lack of motivation. It’s no lie that it was responsible for a great deal of heartache, but it’s not the reason I got stuck in a rut. That was ALL me. I can come up with a million reasons why I haven’t moved forward, but at the end of the day, they’re merely excuses for my personal failures. It’s time for me to be ACCOUNTABLE for my past, present, and most importantly, future.

Which brings me to this blog. My husband (boyfriend at the time), bless his little heart, had been trying so hard to light a fire under my behind. It was a sour topic for us, one that’s caused its fair share of bickering. As much as I wish I could get myself together for him, I can’t. It’s something I have to do for myself. I know I can’t lie to myself, but I’ve caught myself bending the truth more times than I’d like to admit. “When it comes to privacy and accountability, people always demand the former for themselves and the latter for everyone else.” So to hold myself accountable, I’ve decided to document my own journey of self-discovery and personal growth and am relinquishing my privacy.

So…what now? Be accountable. And I implore anyone who is struggling to get out of that funk to take the same first step. We might not be responsible for the obstacles that we face in life, but we are responsible for how we respond and handle them. BE ACCOUNTABLE. Whether it be through daily check-ins with a friend (which reminds me that I need to update the daily exercise log I’m keeping with a friend) or an online blog, do whatever you need to do to find that accountability.

As for me…After nearly 2 1/2 weeks of excuses, I’m getting myself ready for a morning Pilates class.